I was driving to Canada to get free health care and weed. I pulled up to the border patrol and they started asking me a few questions. Normal people would answer them and be on their way. Not me, because i am what alot of people refer to as an idiot.  
When the question came to:
"Are you carrying any firearms in the vehicle?" She asked as if she has asked a thousand times just today.
"Just these guns" I pump both arms and smile. 
"Please pull into the white square and turn off your car." She replied after a reluctant eye roll.
I pulled into the white square turned my car off and almost instantly there was a guy at my car window.  He opens my door and escorts me to a room without saying a word. I'm alone in the room for about 20 minutes then the guy comes back in with a woman. 
The dude says something in french. 
" I don't speak french" I said
"He said remove your clothes and turn to the wall."
Dude searched me all over and inside. They both laughed alot which hey canada fuck you.  After about 20 minutes i put my clothes on and they let me go. About an hour later i  was in my car and i farted. I reached behind me and i found a piece of paper with a number. 
I called the number it was the girl! 3 years later we are married. 

see "how i met your mother" thats how you take a 8 season show and make it into one enjoyable story. Your show sucks!

​

In the wake of Facebook's CEO bluntly saying Facebook keeps your instant messages and stores them. Mark Zuckerberg does need to punished for what he did. I think punishment is he has to look through pictures that i have sent my wife. I hope he has to sit down in a dark room; No windows, no air conditioner and the only light coming from the Facebook screen on his computer. He has to scroll and look at each of my pictures for a least a minute. Pictures of me wearing absolutely nothing. Some of me bent over with cookie dough in my mouth captioned "Miss you daddy" 

In that moment it'll be like the arc of the covenant. His face will start to melt and then explode. Only when that happens will he truly have paid for hes done evading my privacy. I mean i don't want to use the word hero but i'm doing my part sending nudes of my self wearing a Santa hat on my head with socks on my feet and nothing else captioned "happy Halloween". I shouldn't be the only one that gets out there and becomes a hero protecting peoples privacy with a firewall of fat dude pictures.

If every guy sends a fun picture of themselves nude holding with their butt facing the camera biting an apple captioned " An apple a day won't keep me away" We can prevent anyone from ever wanting to spy on our private messages.  
This is the argument i made with my wife when i accidentally sent her family a picture of me laying on my back spread eagle captioned "Taints for the wedding gifts"

I think that her family should be thanking me not ignoring my calls. 

Guy with a fro walks by my wife and I one day
Me: I haven't seen a Fro on a someone in a long time. 
Wife: would you say its been Fro-ever. 

When i first came out here I thought to myself i got to get an agent and then be in a movie. No matter how small or big the part I have to be one. 
I finally got a part. Two things about that though one i was type casted. Type casted is the funny thing where someone puts you in a role and others say Yeah that's it and you are in the role forever. Unless you number 23 yourself. 
Second I got casted as a Klan leader. Not a clan member i mean i can leader. Someone saw my head shot and thought hes got zero experience but hes got that kind of voice and face.  The casting director sent me over the script and everything and offered me the part. Now at this point alot of you are saying Anthony you can't blame him if you auditioned. I never auditioned for this part. He just blind casted me. I read the script you know maybe its a farce film a comedy and i'm a lovable Klan leader. Nope nope oh no not even a little bit. I'm very racist in this part. Now I've read racists stuff before i'm from the south. I've just never seen it spelled correctly. I called the guy and I asked him why did you cast me? I never auditioned and he replied " I wanted to keep it authentic."

I hate skinny couples. 
I don't know what they even do together? Run and eat Avocados? 
Its always a name Brandon that won't stop talking about How cross fit and how hes the sensei at his "Dojo" and his gf Rebekka whose on a juice cleanse and loves to tell you how easy it is for her to shit now. 
I love being fat. I love it. It means that when i get home with my wife we make a cake and get high. 
When i die and gods like what did you do to make the world better? I'll be like cake and weed. God will be like nice fam. 

When i was younger i would watch porn for boobies.
Now i watch porn to see what a nice house looks like inside. 
Watching thinking "is that a marbel counter top that dude is eating ass on? 
My wife and i remodeled our kitchen after we saw it in a porno
It looks nice but now whenever i go in the kitchen i get hungry and horny. 

I was teaching one day and during recess i saw a bunch of kids digging a hole.
I walked up and they all looked at me.
"what are you guys doing?" I asked 
"Digging." One kid replied almost in an annoyed tone
"Are you guys digging for treasure?" I said with a playful tone. 
They all shrugged annoyed.
One kid looked directly at me and without missing a beat.
"No we're digging for your moms pussy cause we buried it last night."
The 3 kids around him hands went directly to their mouths and they all in unison said "Damn"
The kid never broke eye contact and he stared me down until i knew i had to reply. 
"well my moms dead so jokes on you."
My moms not dead but he roasted me so good i had to leave and cry. I can't let those kids see me cry anymore. 

Standing in a kids room running cable
Kid is drawing a dinosaur.
Me: If you could be a dinosaur which one would you be? 
Kid: Tyrannosaurus
Me: What kind of dinosaur would I be? 
Kid: Fatasaurus 

Installing cable at last job.
customer: We googled your name before you got here to make sure we'd be safe.
me: good sir
customer: me and my wife saw your stand up while we were looking.
me : that's great sir.
customer: thank God you have this day job.
walks away and high fives wife.

Whenever I go to a show and see people perform I like most other comics. I want to be part of one of those shows. Its a drive to always be on stage that shows how passionate you are about performing. There is a right way to ask and a wrong way to ask in my opinion. Whenever I watch a show I ask one of the performers How did you get on the bill or who booked the show. Most of the time they will be honest and tell you. Comics will help other comics. I'll then approach the booker and tell them how great the show was and how much I enjoyed it. Which is true. I want to be part of the show so of course I enjoyed it. I'll exchange information with the booker I'll create a relationship with them. I wouldn't walk up and say "Hey I want on the next show sign me up" It makes you sound like an asshole and smug. With bookers I will ask "How can I audition to be part of the show." 
      That shows that you are interested in being on the show when they are comfroatble with you being on the show. If  a booker books you off the back and you fail YOU WILL 95% OF THE TIME NEVER BE CALLED BACK TO PERFORM.  If you show them you can handle their room and can be a vital part of their show. In my experience if you come up with an attitude of I would like to be apart of your show after I show you I can be great on stage it'll forge a better relationship with the booker as well. Even if you don't kill during your audition and don't get the part in the next show you have shown them you just need to work a little bit more and you'll be ready. Never put pressure on a booker. EVER. NEVER EVER. You have a talent that you want to show everyone and the booker wants talent. That's their job to find talent and make sure the show is going to be awesome. If you show them that you can be awesome they will put you on the show and have you back.